My mother, myself

My mother passed away 12 years ago this week.  Sometimes this seems SOOooo long ago. So much has happened in that time. All my kids are now married, grandkids surround me, life still goes on.  But then at other times it seems like no time at all.  I still find times when something happens and I think, "I need to call and tell mom about that"  because I forget for a moment she is not here.  And to be honest there are times when something happens and I think "wow, good thing Bubbi's not here, she would be ticked I was doing this!"  (Bubbi is what she chose to be called instead of grandma. She thought it was much more sophisticated just so you know).  Which then makes me sad that we didn't have that kind of relationship where she could appreciate me for me.

Anyway you look at it, your relationship with your mother is complex,  At any given moment, it can be as joyful as it can be difficult.

Wasn't she gorgeous?

  my mom was absolutely one in a million. one in a trillion, really. She was incredibly unique, and if you ever met her you would never have forgotten her. She was far and away the most self-assured outspoken person I’ve ever met. She was an  eccentric individual, and that increased every year it seemed.  At the center of all her quirks, she did have the most golden heart and wanted (her idea) of the best for you even if it wasn't what you wanted.  For example,  at one time she got it in her mind that Lena should go to boarding school in England, Doyle to a military school, Scott to a sheep ranch in New Zealand and me?  Well, I would just stay in ATL with her.  She even went so far as to look into specific places.  Didn't happen!  My friends all thought she was the coolest and I spent most of my teen years being mortified by her antics.  It took me years to look back and laugh at many of those things. Over the years we had so many people in and out of our home who just needed a place to stay, a shoulder, and hand up, and a place to heal.  Some would stay a day some for months.  I remember once while my mom was gone at a conference her calling and telling my dad that she was sending her friend and 2 children to stay and to go pick them up at the airport.  As she was getting ready to hang up she said "Oh, and she is suicidal so keep an eye on her".  But she taught me compassion and the need to reach out and pull in those hurting souls. And it seems we have also made room in our home for those in need of a place to land.

My mom, gread-grandma Kelly, me, grandma Lena

My mom grew up in the small town of Norfolk Nebraska.  She told me her goal was to always get out of there and live more of life.  I get the impression she was usually the center of attention (or trouble). Looking through her yearbooks she was usually on every page doing something crazy! She was even on the basketball team.  Of course that says something about that since she was only 5 foot! One thing I totally admired about my mom is that she was a fierce and loyal friend.

Jean and my mom

Mom and Jean acting up in Israel

 She had 2 friends from before kindergarten: Jean and Jean who were lifelong buddies.  They talked almost weekly and went on yearly adventures together until the very end.  Just a few years before her death I was allowed to go with them on their journey to Germany and the Holy Land It was a magical, spiritual adventure for me although I found myself having to hush them to keep us from getting thrown out of some of the holy sites!  Her high school class had reunions every 5 years and she went to every one of them!  Isn't that incredible!?

My mom also had amazing resilience.  The early 1960's were a time of change but for most women, they were still homemakers and didn't pursue much schooling.  Divorce was still pretty rare and divorcees were not looked on favorably. Yet she pulled herself up went to school and got a doctorate so she could support us. During that time I went to live with my grandparents so she could finish as quickly as possible.  I didn't realize until decades later how hard that was for her.  I always viewed her as the bra burning Gloria Steinem kind of woman but later in life she told me she would have preferred to stay home and be a mom but she didn't have that option so it was full steam ahead which created wonderful adventures for us. Because of women like her, today we have options she never would have imagined growing up.

My mom remarried when I was 12 (on St Patrick's Day) to Lewis Allen Bayles.  It was really a wonderful love story and they were perfect for each other.  She helped pull him out of his hermit reading tendencies and he helped keep her reined in a little.  He was a wonderful father figure for me and was always gentle and supportive--often behind my mom's back!!

My favorite picture of them

My mom was my biggest fan and my biggest critic.  I rarely heard her say she loved me or was proud of me but her friends always told me how she raved about me and my family.  While she carried on like the world was ending every time I told her I was going to have a baby, she loved, loved loved, my 3 kids!!!

Me, Doyle, mom, Daily, Lena

 Almost to suffocation. Yet, she was extremely hard on them-do more, swing higher, play better.  That said,  she was always supportive of what they did.  Every gymnastic completion, school band concert, swim meet, piano concert she was there with big hugs and kisses. Her last concert was a band concert for Daily.  She insisted on going and was in a wheelchair with a full length mink coat, an oxygen tank and a black eye patch.  I think most of the kids were terrified and scarred for their life by the scary old lady in the front row.  There was 1 thing she not only was not supportive of but tried actively to interfere with. She hated the fact that I had joined the LDS church.  She saw herself as a borderline atheist/agnostic  and was horrified that her child had joined any church!  Something that is so incredibly important in my life and is really the center of our family was something she just couldn't understand, appreciate, see the good in or be at all supportive of.  I have tried to learn from this and be more expressive with my kids in how much I love them and keep many opinions to myself.  I'm not perfect and I often hear my mom come out of my mouth (don't we all?) but I have given my kids permission to let me know when I am becoming too Bubbi!

The last few years of my mom's life she was incredibly sick which was hard for all of us.  While there are many positives about being an only child (like you get ALL the presents), when illnesses and the end of life comes an only child is alone in handling everything. Yes, Scott was there and did so much but I mean emotionally it was just me. No one to share that with.  No other sibling to share the load of caring for a critically ill parent.  So many nights in a  hospital, so many days changing dressings, making her get up and walk, changing beds, going to doctor's appointments.  So many times just holding her and crying. Trying to be immune to the insults and personal attacks, the anger and resentment.  It's really not personal but her fears talking. Wanting to relieve her fears because she had no belief.  Life was just--ending.  No idea of a Plan of Salvation where we would be together again with those we love. But not being able to do that. Here is a little more about the Plan of Salvation from the LDS perspective .

Even with my mom gone for so many years that lifelong connection is still there.  It is a connection that will go on through eternity and will continue to change and evolve.  Mothers and daughters have a relationship and opportunity most others don't have.  We start out being nurtured at our mother's feet and seeing her as the role model for our lives. Eventually that changes and we need to become an ex-child-an adult child.  Sometimes I felt like that never happened totally but maybe it is happening now.  She is seeing me from a different perspective.  And I her.  Parents never stop being parents and children never end being children.  But time changes that to a reunion and we become much more than the parent/child-it becomes an enduring love.